In search of Deweys

These days...I don't seem to know what I want,
nor know who I am, or where I stand or who to trust,
I guess I'm just really confused.

Work is really hard, in an architecture firm starting out being an intern - you get the coffee, sort out receipts and do the dirty work which was somewhat expected.  But I guess I didn't expect how it would affect me mentally, I can understand why asian parents don't want their kids to be in an industry that doesn't guarantee jobs.  I followed my dream and love of design and this is where I landed, in an unsure place where my position wasn't guaranteed even after probation period - there were times when tears ran down my cheeks looking out the window on the train, wondering whether I would ever make it to the other side.  I felt like one of those actresses who had to pave their way into the industry because nothing, is guaranteed.  My boss told me that he didn't need me, but I just kept working hard. I didn't think, it was better not to think. 

Dreams seemed like such a distant notion now, I'd be happy to just get the lowest position in this firm.  My position is somewhat secure now, but even then no one really knows until I've worked about a year or so.  Compared to what my friends are getting, my salary is not that great, but it doesn't bother me much.  I'm happy to be part of this firm.  I like who I work with, but now I'm not so sure as much... it's that similar feeling I got when I studied Mark Rothko or Pollock, they had passion and ambition but something was lacking.

I'm still content and thankful :)
I'm sure there's a dewey in all of this somewhere :)